Long-sleeved, now

Or reconstructed sleeve; I'm not sure. I think this piece is finished but I'll give it just a few more days before I decide yes, for certain and block it.

during the past three weeks:

-I had one trip to the er with the littlest. She's ok now, but she needed to be seen.

-The eldest had bronchitis (she was very excited about her chest x-ray, the taste of her antibiotics, not so much)

-I think I had a cold. I can't remember.

-started taking Dijanne Cevaal's traveller's blanket workshop here in town (but missed a session due to sick children!). I'll show you a photo of the lovely fabric we dyed once I sort out where I stashed those files.

-volunteered in the art room at my eldest's school (that was before the kids got sick). I really enjoyed helping.
 The art teacher is focusing on textiles this term. I had the privilege of helping a few children learn to knit. Would love to do more of this.

-At the end of it all we had a few lovely, most enjoyable days of spring weather. Winter won't last forever!

Quilt for Maple, unfinished

Pieced during his or her 5-6th week of gestation. I felt desperate to make something to celebrate life. I'll fold it back up again and think a bit more about making it into larger family quilt (or not) when I'm ready.

Also seen in part here, the blog post I wrote on the day I heard Maple's heart beat.

Eowyn helped make two blocks. This one below we made together when I was taking one of jude's online workshops.


She also arranged some fabric on a foundation which I sewed together. She was dreaming about our baby too.



Often Eowyn (maybe a few times a week now, previously daily) asks me why I could only have two children. Leilani also has her own version of basically the same question, "Mummy why did you want just two girls?" I want to know why as much as they do, but the answer is a gentle, I don't know, we can't always know why, followed by lots of cuddles. It is difficult to understand God's plan during times of loss. It has helped us to give our babies names; talking about the first miscarriage, second, miscarriage and so forth just gets tedious and confusing, especially with little ones.

First school disco.

She was a little bit scared of the dark and very loud music, but had fun in the end. She would only dance if I was dancing with her (we'll see how many more years that lasts!). The best part was handing over her ticket at the entrance. She was super happy about her ticket :)

mum & child study.


two looking away.

Photos of two finished works as mentioned a short time ago (taken by Peter).

PS - It's been lovely using a bit of the fabric my girls and I coloured while dyeing easter eggs last year (which only accounts for the orange. Other colours dyed mostly off the blog record :)

my lil' sea urchin.

:)

my niece, 3 days old.

sunflower patch

Country Victoria, winter 2011

on my wall with a few more details

Work in progress. I am working intently, yes, filling the space left by three little ones I never held, with art. I was terrified to do it at first. Not any longer. Now I feel driven and fearless. No thoughtless criticism can come close to hurting me as much as losing three children to early miscarriage. I don't mean to sound haughty, as some may interpret, only confident.

Some may also call it a mixed blessing. I don't think so. If I had been offered a choice I would have chosen the children to fill my days and I would fill their days with art as I do with my living children. I love making art, I am an artist, it is not my hobby. Having art as my occupation does not take the joy out of it.

But I love my children more and I always will. Art is part of our family life as much as it is the mundane (My kids think it is normal).

So call it twee or the justifications of a work at home mum...but there is a tiny heart beating in my memory and the ache of arms that never held that life and others. Those children are at home with my heavenly Father. Thoughts that move me forward and never push me to forget.

April, May, June and July have passed bringing so many beautiful babies into the world...I know six of them, a few only from a distance. Peter and I welcome them with both rejoicing and mourning...they are here, they are safe, their parents are safe, we can watch them grow, see them living. We are thankful. It is exciting.

Yet we hurt. We haven't been hurt by seeing or hearing about the new babies, we hurt because we miss our own.

A few days ago my brother and his wife met their beautiful little baby girl (she really is adorable!) but they became parents the moment they knew she existed....I am so glad they can hold her, watch her breathe, feel and smell her. I hope they give her extra special cuddles and kisses from me until I can meet her too.