Work in progress. I am working intently, yes, filling the space left by three little ones I never held, with art. I was terrified to do it at first. Not any longer. Now I feel driven and fearless. No thoughtless criticism can come close to hurting me as much as losing three children to early miscarriage. I don't mean to sound haughty, as some may interpret, only confident.
Some may also call it a mixed blessing. I don't think so. If I had been offered a choice I would have chosen the children to fill my days and I would fill their days with art as I do with my living children. I love making art, I am an artist, it is not my hobby. Having art as my occupation does not take the joy out of it.
But I love my children more and I always will. Art is part of our family life as much as it is the mundane (My kids think it is normal).
So call it twee or the justifications of a work at home mum...but there is a tiny heart beating in my memory and the ache of arms that never held that life and others. Those children are at home with my heavenly Father. Thoughts that move me forward and never push me to forget.
April, May, June and July have passed bringing so many beautiful babies into the world...I know six of them, a few only from a distance. Peter and I welcome them with both rejoicing and mourning...they are here, they are safe, their parents are safe, we can watch them grow, see them living. We are thankful. It is exciting.
Yet we hurt. We haven't been hurt by seeing or hearing about the new babies, we hurt because we miss our own.
A few days ago my brother and his wife met their beautiful little baby girl (she really is adorable!) but they became parents the moment they knew she existed....I am so glad they can hold her, watch her breathe, feel and smell her. I hope they give her extra special cuddles and kisses from me until I can meet her too.
Lovely post Jeana.
ReplyDeleteMaria x
Yes a beautiful post- so well said. And a beautiful piece you are stitching on.
ReplyDelete"I am an artist, it is not my hobby"
ReplyDeleteThis sentence, and all the rest of your post, is strong, determined, gentle, tender, and thought provoking.
Well said and carry on.
You are an amazing woman and mother jeana.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, keep sharing, it helps with the healing I hope. X ashley
i can't begin to fathom the depth of feeling here, jeana, but i'm glad you are giving me a glimpse of it, in your art and these beautiful words.
ReplyDeletei don't know if i've shared it with you but i've struggled with infertility and mostly try to not think about it any more, but i still mourn the imagined babies and our lives together. if i can ever bear to, i might make some art dealing more directly with this.
i also love your self-declaration as an artist. this is very powerful and inspires me.
you are very brave. i admire you a lot.